I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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