My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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