Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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