i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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