I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
