It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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