I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
