You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
