All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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