God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
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Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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