Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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