Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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