So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
