So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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