WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Sober January is a disaster.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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