Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
