When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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