I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
