the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
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