I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
