I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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