Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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