I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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