I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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