i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
