I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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