I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
