Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Randomize
