And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
