I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Actions speak louder than pants.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
