sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
