As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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