Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
