I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
