i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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