I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
