All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Randomize
