Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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