can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
