if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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