I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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