I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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