I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
i think i just lost a toe
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
So here I am, sexting at work.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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