I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
