i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
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