I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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