I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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