Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
The adults are the big ones right?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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