If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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