he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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