There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You need Xanax blowdarts
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
