you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
