I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
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the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
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That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
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