My first STD was from a foam party
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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