He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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