I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
