she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
