I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
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I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
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a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
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