Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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