have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
