Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Bring me that man meat
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
