I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
